


There Is No Honor In Leaving Love Behind

by Romennim



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Father-Son Relationship, M/M, Multi, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Telepathic Bond, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-30 18:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few days before joining the Kolinhar, Spock receives a visit from his father, who is not pleased by a request made by Starfleet Command on Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Is No Honor In Leaving Love Behind

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Non C'è Onore Nel Lasciarsi L'Amore Alle Spalle](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022268) by [Romennim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim)



> **Beta:**[](http://writer-klmeri.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://writer-klmeri.livejournal.com/) **writer_klmeri**  
>  I was almost afraid while writing Sarek.. I'm always worried that the Vulcans I write are not Vulcan enough :) and I didn't want to screw up with him, 'cause he's a wonderful character. I hope I did him justice :)

There is a presence at the edge of my consciousness. I let my mind caress the surface of the other person’s thoughts, and I resurface from my meditation.

I open my eyes and my father is standing in front of me. His gaze is steady, but the way he is guarding his thoughts makes me believe I do not want to remain seated for this conversation. There is already a feeling of disadvantage.

I stand up and wait.

“You did not tell me the entire truth, Son.”

A brief flare of panic makes my heart beat faster, but I calm myself down. He cannot know, and even if he knows he cannot do anything to stop me. It would be humiliating to know that he knows, but I am already in the path to correct my errors. It is the only reason why I have decided to leave the life I have built for myself in Starfleet and join the Kolinhar.

There is no logical reason to fear that he knows.

But I try to deflect anyway.

“I do not understand.”

My father looks intently at my face, but I have improved my neutral expression in the years we have spent apart. Still, he is not an esteemed ambassador without reason.

“Starfleet Command contacted the Vulcan Embassy five hours ago.”

I raise an eyebrow in reply, because I know he is waiting for me to say something, he is ‘fishing for information’, as L-...

I stop immediately that thought. It is just too... It is not logical, but it is painful. I can admit the truth of that, at least to myself.

My father will not have help from me in this conversation.

There is a barely discernable sigh from my father. I would have not noticed it if my attention was not wholly directed at him now. It feels too human, and the feeling of abnormality I have been receiving from the beginning of this conversation is growing stronger.

He takes a few steps on the side, hands at his back, and for a moment he stares at the instrument near my bed.

He does not turn when he speaks again.

“Apparently they needed a Vulcan healer because two commanding officers were attacked telepathically and the Betazoid healer they had on hand was not able to help them.”

He pauses and a feeling of dread begins to grow in my chest.

He turns towards me then, and the expression in his black eyes pins me on the spot.

“Do you know why, Spock?”

I know that what I’m thinking is right, that the leap of logic I made to come to the conclusion is true, but I do not think I can answer. Inside of me there is a lack of something - courage, two very familiar voices whisper - required to answer out loud to my father.

I remain silent.

My father’s gaze goes for an instant on the side, and I recognize the movement for what it is. The first signs of anger. Not that my father would ever express it in front of me, but I know him. It is the same emotion he felt the day I left Vulcan, expressed by the same telling movement.

“Because,” the voice is glacial, “the stress of an alien mind touching theirs, added to the stress they felt in the past few months, which no one knew about, forced them to split their consciousness to protect one another from the attack.”

The words are like a punch. My mind is blank for a moment, but my heart feels like it has been squeezed to death.

“What...?”

My question is a whisper, because I cannot believe this has happened, this is happening.

My father takes a step towards me. His presence in my personal space is menacing, and now I am sure of why he is angry.

What I have done is...

“Do you know what it means, Spock?”

I cannot tear my gaze away from the cold look in his eyes.

“Do you comprehend in what kind of mental state they must have been in to decide to do something so instinctively unnatural to their race?”

If before I could not answer, I cannot now for several more different reasons. Shame is the first. I cannot believe I brought them to this.

“Do you, Spock?” he reiterates, and for my anguished mind it is like a shout.

I cannot stand to look at him, at his anger, at his shame of me, a moment longer, and I turn from him, my head bowed.

I can sense a beginning of tears in my eyes.

“How could you have done this to them, Spock?”

My father’s tone is lower now, as if talking to a spooked animal. Maybe I’m giving too much credit to the tone of his voice. My father cannot be concerned.

“I...” I pause. I need to speak now. I need to see his face, so I turn.

“I did not think the connection was so deeply developed."

He gazes at me.

“But you knew there was a connection.”

I know where he is going to take this conversation. Duty.

“Yes, I knew.”

“So, why did you leave them?”

What he is really saying is something else.

_“Why did you not do your duty?”_

Shame. Shame is all I feel. And fear. I almost choke on my words.

“I was...”

I cannot say the word ‘afraid’ in front of him. But it was my fault we are talking about this now, in these terms. It is my fault that two men are lying in a bed on Earth with damaged minds.

I look at him in the eyes.

“I was ashamed and afraid.”

My father’s gaze narrows.

“You only thought of yourself, then, this is what you are saying. You left two honorable men in a vulnerable position, in a position you put them in, not caring of what they could face in your absence, because you did not have the willingness to defend your choices.”

Every word is a blow, and it intensifies my shame.

“I did not choose it!”

If my father were human, he would scoff at that. What he does instead is say what he knows will bare everything I decided to not face since the faithful day when my mind and Jim’s and Leonard’s linked together.

“You know, as every Vulcan knows, that no spontaneous telepathic link can be established without a deep willingness and compatibility from every party, Spock. So it is untrue that you did not want it. You only lacked the intellectual honesty to admit it and defend what you did. You did not honor your future Bondmates.”

He stops, but I know he is not finished.

Somehow I know there is something coming, worse than this.

“If you thought that partaking the path of the Kolinhar would make you more honorable in the eyes of our people, your lack of respect for the mental and physical health of your Bondmates shames all of Vulcan.”

A lump forms in my throat. He is right. There is nothing I can reply to that.

I was a fool. I was cruel for what I did to them. For leaving, and for leaving them in that condition. Duty does not matter. I should have remained because of the love they had for me, and for the love I had for them. I should have not done something so awful to them. What kind of being am I to do something like this to the persons I love?

The only thing I can do now is try to remedy the wrongs I did.

Yes, that is what I have to do.

Everything, trying to make them forgive me, can come later.

Their health is the priority right now.

“How are they?”

It seems I did something right because the tightness around my father’s eyes softens a bit.

“They are in a coma, but with your help there should not be any lasting damage.”

I nod. I am just too relieved to hear that to say something.

“I allowed myself to tell Starfleet Command we would leave for Earth as soon as possible.”

I nod again. For once I am relieved my father has so much influence on Vulcan: finding a transport that leaves immediately will not be a problem.

“They were very relieved to know they were not going to lose two of their most outstanding officers.”

There is a cutting edge to my father’s words. I give him an inquisitive look, which he ignores.

“Come. Transport has been waiting for us for a hour.”

He stops on the threshold of my room and looks back at me.

“And I took liberty of letting the Kolinhar adepts know you will not join them.”

I look at him in surprise. It should have been on me to do that. Then the full meaning registers in my consciousness: the probability that Jim and Leonard will live as long as I... I almost smile when I understand. He does not want me to change. He does not want me to be more Vulcan.

I feel relief in knowing that. And joy, despite the negative emotions of our confrontation.

I try to convey my gratefulness for everything with my next words.

“Thank you, father.”

I hope he understands.

He looks at me for a moment, eyes calm, and with no other words he steps out of my room, and I follow him.

If he has decided to accompany me to Earth, he has really accepted me and my situation. Then another thought follows.

He must have accepted Jim and Leonard too.

In face of what I will need to face and to do to rectify this situation, the fact that he is by my side is a comfort like I haven't known for years. Maybe not everything that came out from my mistakes has been negative.

This is the only positive thought that accompanies me in my journey to Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on February 29th, 2012


End file.
